The Scream - Edvard Munch

„I was walking along a path with two friends – the sun was setting – suddenly the sky turned blood red – I paused, feeling exhausted, and leaned on the fence – there was blood and tongues of fire above the blue-black fjord and the city – my friends walked on, and I stood there trembling with anxiety – and I sensed an infinite scream passing through nature.“ – Edvard Munch on his inspiration for the „Scream“ - one of the most famous expressionist paintings of all time. Seeing this painting for the first time, a long time ago, made me fall in love with expressionism. It didn't depict a pretty scenery, it wasn't about some dreamy landscapes, it wasn't soothing, it wasn't nice, lovely, it wasn't painted realistic, and it certainly wasn't a beautiful sight. It was all about how it's like to experience something; it depicted an intense emotion, a state of mind, a real story that was far from real, a distorted perception, how what was inside got on the outside. I loved it instantly. Made me think. Feeling his scream and how he experienced it, then seeing the two other figures walking calmly behind him in the distance, completely unaware of what he is experiencing inside of his head made me think about how truly remarkable it is that we all experience reality differently – seeing it from within. I remember thinking – this is it, this is art. A perfect release and transference of emotion in material form – a masterpiece. (And I could never understand people who don’t get it).

Scream executed in oil, tempera, pastel on cardboard, in 1893 by Edvard Munch

Scream translated into a lithograph, in 1895 by Edvard  Munch

 Joy Division "She's lost control"

anxiety

Hm, how do you describe anxiety properly? I can't really think of anything except - war of nerves, a living hell? However, I do believe in "you'll never be given what you cannot handle". So maybe someday I'll be fine in real hell too. Not that I deserve hell, I'm just saying. Besides, you never know. And that's the worse thing about anxiety - knowing you can never ever know anything for sure. What if, what if, what if, what if, what if? The restlessness. And control. It's always been about control. The inability to control. Inability to relax. Insecurity. What's wrong? The adrenalin. So you run, as far as you can run. Because you're scared. And running away is the only thing to do when you're scared. But fear is nothing but an illusion and it's all in your head. Nevertheless, in the end you really do think you've finally found peace. In another illusion, in your own head again. And it's fine for awhile. Till it's time to run again. 

"When I really worry about something, I don't just fool around. I even have to go to the bathroom when I worry about something. Only, I don't go. I'm too worried to go. I don't want to interrupt my worrying to go." - J.D.Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye, Chapter 6.

"I don't even know what I was running for - I guess I just felt like it." J.D.Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye, Chapter 1.

Anxiety 1., pencil on paper,  2007.

Anxiety 2., acrylic on canvas, 2007.

Linkin Park "Crawling"

birth of an obsession (a caged mind)

Painting is therapeutic. That is why I never want to stop doing it. You pour out what is within on a blank piece of paper and when you’re all done it becomes a snapshot of your state of mind. And if you were ever curious about how you look inside you should paint. Your canvas is your mirror and a finished painting is your reflection. What you see might not always be something that you like but it’s just like with any other snapshot; you’re not always pleased with how you look in them either. But, it still is another you in another time. And you don’t need to look perfect, just sincere. That’s all. No faking, no phony smiles. You even get to blink if you like. Because, imperfect is just perfect after all. 

"An obsession: a compulsive preoccupation with a fixed idea or an unwanted feeling or emotion accompained with anxiety."

Acrylic on canvas 40x30cm

Soap&Skin "Janitor Of Lunacy"