anxiety

Hm, how do you describe anxiety properly? I can't really think of anything except - war of nerves, a living hell? However, I do believe in "you'll never be given what you cannot handle". So maybe someday I'll be fine in real hell too. Not that I deserve hell, I'm just saying. Besides, you never know. And that's the worse thing about anxiety - knowing you can never ever know anything for sure. What if, what if, what if, what if, what if? The restlessness. And control. It's always been about control. The inability to control. Inability to relax. Insecurity. What's wrong? The adrenalin. So you run, as far as you can run. Because you're scared. And running away is the only thing to do when you're scared. But fear is nothing but an illusion and it's all in your head. Nevertheless, in the end you really do think you've finally found peace. In another illusion, in your own head again. And it's fine for awhile. Till it's time to run again. 

"When I really worry about something, I don't just fool around. I even have to go to the bathroom when I worry about something. Only, I don't go. I'm too worried to go. I don't want to interrupt my worrying to go." - J.D.Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye, Chapter 6.

"I don't even know what I was running for - I guess I just felt like it." J.D.Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye, Chapter 1.

Anxiety 1., pencil on paper,  2007.

Anxiety 2., acrylic on canvas, 2007.

Linkin Park "Crawling"

crossing the line

Never knew there were limits, until I crossed them. All of them. It’s funny when you do that ‘cause you never think about the consequences until you’re all done with your line crossing. You don’t think about anything for that matter. And you should. Or maybe you shouldn’t? I don’t know. However, if you do cross them make sure you draw yourself a new line afterwards. Just in case.

Anyways, I stayed up all night last night painting this and while I was doing that the whole time I was listening to just one song. Over and over. So, here’s the painting and the song. In my opinion the painting fits the song, especially if you consider the fact I was moving my brush to the rhythm of it. And because they’re both about crossing the line.

Acrylic on canvas, 60x60cm. 

The Prodigy "Their Law"

like mother like doll

Sometimes, even a grown woman needs a doll around. Cause women and dolls have a special bond. Maybe it's because they're both used to suffering in silence when they're broken.

Acrylic on canvas, 45x30cm

Erik Satie "Gnossienne No.1"  

jim

When you love your friends a lot you make them a painting of their favorite god. In red, black and white. This one’s for my friend whose Picasso’s biography I still use as coaster.

Acrylic on canvas 30x50cm

The Doors "The end"

the face of truth (nobody likes it and I really like the color red.and black)

First, I’m going to tell you why I like the color red, and then why I like black. In the end comes the truth. Red. ‘Cause it stands out, screams, shouts, makes no compromise. Black. You can never get enough of black unless you plan on dressing up as angel. Besides, black is always just black and also really great for drawing contours, and you can’t really do anything before you get your contours done.  The truth is all that except the contours part.  

Acrylic on canvas 40x30cm 

RATM "Calm Like a Bomb"

birth of an obsession (a caged mind)

Painting is therapeutic. That is why I never want to stop doing it. You pour out what is within on a blank piece of paper and when you’re all done it becomes a snapshot of your state of mind. And if you were ever curious about how you look inside you should paint. Your canvas is your mirror and a finished painting is your reflection. What you see might not always be something that you like but it’s just like with any other snapshot; you’re not always pleased with how you look in them either. But, it still is another you in another time. And you don’t need to look perfect, just sincere. That’s all. No faking, no phony smiles. You even get to blink if you like. Because, imperfect is just perfect after all. 

"An obsession: a compulsive preoccupation with a fixed idea or an unwanted feeling or emotion accompained with anxiety."

Acrylic on canvas 40x30cm

Soap&Skin "Janitor Of Lunacy"

confusion

I hate confusion. And I’ve been confused more times than I can remember. You know what it’s like; you get a nasty, strange sort of feeling because all you really want is for things to be clear again, but you just can’t seem to get there somehow. It slips away no matter how hard you try. And the more you pray for clarity the more bewilderment you get. What was once up now it’s down. You’re getting lost and you can only stray further away. And I know someone once said that if you don’t get lost there’s a chance you may never be found but I still hate it. Plus, I get scared when I’m lost. It never brings me any good while I’m there. 

This painting is about seeing an old lady waiting for a bus on one late afternoon in spring holding her purple umbrella looking just so old and lost. And about me, being unable to get that image out of my head for a mighty very long time. 

Acrylic on canvas, 30x40 cm 

Heidi Elva "The Heart is a Lonely Hunter"

honestly, darling, I no longer care about what you have to say

This painting I made reminds me so much of how it's supposed to feel at that one moment when you REALLY stop caring about what the other side has to say (and you used to so much). I guess you feel numb yet liberated, tired yet powerful at the same time. They call it the moment of clarity, the moment before you finally decide to leave the old and no longer useful behind. However, as for the moments of clarity, all I'm getting is moments.

Acrylic on canvas 55x40 cm.

 

Moloko "Forever more"